Mothers Day

If this day were any more gorgeous our souls would swell to the bursting point, leaving a mess of the New England urban and village scene. Compounding the danger today is the deeply felt gratitude and admiration we have for our mothers and the mothers of our children. My wife Rita is a marvel of maternal instinct and energy. She senses issues going on in our boys that I wouldn't detect until I received an angry letter from them after they finally begin therapy at the end of their first marriages. I can sit in a room full of crying and complaining children and only hear about a third of it. Rita hears every grinding note in her bone marrow. I always regarded my ability to do this as a useful skill. It's not. It's a character flaw and I know it. That the mother of my children allows me this vanity is only one more small reason why I love her.
Happy Mothers Day to all of you moms. You humble us.

Ask a MAWG

In the interests of derivative humor and to counter the realities of my daily family life where I am surrounded by Mexicans, half-Mexicans and Guatemalans who never Ask A Middle-Aged White Guy anything -- here is your chance.

May 3, 2007

Dear MAWG,

I travel often for my business and see a lot of MAWGs at airports. I have one question, why are you guys all so cranky?

Estuardo in Dallas

Dear Stu,

Two words: Sciatica. Melanoma.
Now leave me alone.


May 5, 2007

Dear MAWG,

I have made exactly the opposite observation as Estuardo. I have found that white people can't stand not talking and making dumb ass comments about the obvious. Say you're standing in the coffee queue and it's taking a long time. Some white guy always turns around and says to you, "It's taking a long time." If it's not taking a long time but it's a nice day they'll helpfully point out, "Nice day." Why can't you guys just stay quiet?

Ahmed

Dear Ahmed,

It is fear of being mistaken for foreigners. If we just stand there without demonstrating our command of English -- the internationally recognized language of diplomacy, commerce, and the 101st Airborne -- people might think we're Polish. Or German. Even French (Less common because of the shoes and skinny cigarettes). Saying, have a nice day to a stranger might seem like a useless inanity, but it is in fact our way of saying I am an American. Hear me roar. .. And please don't hurt me.