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Friday, December 21, 2007

Short Days, Short Tempers

Parents take note: It is illegal and wrong to bind your children with blue painter's tape and throw them through the back door into a snowbank. I thought this through at some length and came to that inevitable conclusion. It will be no mystery to you how the subject came up in the first place if you have or have ever had small children in your house in the days preceding Christmas. Their unstable little personalities go into complete meltdown until the China Effect eats every last vestige of celebration from your mood and household. We've threatened to cancel Christmas, to sue Santa Claus, to enlist them in the Marines (although Blackwater would be more remunerative), and to fill their stockings with sticks and rocks. Coal is far more expensive than these little monsters deserve. Nothing, of course, makes a scrap of difference in their behavior. So, we count the days until Christmas in some grim advent ritual and wait for each day to end. Bedtime. Peace. Today is the shortest day of the year. Good thing.

5 Comments:

Blogger TxBluesRev said...

I've lived in Texas for nearly half a century - in those many years, I can't recall a single Christmas with snow. I've always harbored a secret envy of those fortunate enough to call New England home. I suppose all those Rockwell scenes belie a certain holiday dignity; however, they evidently fail to capture the accompanying angst of this time of year, particularly in the younger set. I don't think the snow is the source - the mercury will climb to almost 70 today and the same behavior is evident in our wee ones. Hang in there and for goodness sakes, try to look dignified in the snow.

2:05 PM  
Anonymous Ken said...

Ah yes, the memories! I recall one blissful week when I could start to sing "You better watch out! You better not cry..." and my son would look startled, stop whatever annoying thing he was doing, and then skulk away muttering. It sounds like you're already beyond that stage so all I can say is "Courage! This too shall pass."

Good luck and Happy Holidays!

P.S. I very much enjoy your appearances on "Wait! Wait!"

4:38 PM  
Blogger Ted said...

As my own children get older and the presents get more expensive, I miss the innocence. The magic of Santa, that this guy brings presents for no other reason than I was good, mostly. As time passes you too will miss the insanity.

9:27 AM  
Anonymous copyeditor said...

Don't hate me: 'remunerative.'

11:54 AM  
Blogger Tom Bodett said...

Thanks copyeditor. We all need one.

12:25 PM  

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