Thursday, May 25, 2006

200 Million Nematodes and Not a Drop of Rain.

There's a line you don't get to write everyday. No sooner have the flood waters receeded across New England when I find myself the proud owner of a quarter of a billion live microscopic nematodes whose job, if they choose to accept it, will be to burrow into my lawn and kill the Japanese Beetle Grubs living there. I don't know how they do this. The grubs look about like a popcorn shrimp, only disgusting, while 25 million nematodes come attached to something the size and thickness of a playing card. They probably kill using stealth and overwhelming numbers. And maybe numchucks.

The problem is that the conditions in which to apply nematodes to your lawn is just before or during a rain. Of course, it is clear, beautiful and dry as bone out here. So, since these little critters won't stay alive in their padded mailer for very long, I find myself in the unpopular position of wishing for rain for the Memorial Day Weekend. If it does in fact rain, New England, you have me to blame. I will, however, weather the scorn with the help of a couple hundred million grateful nematodes.


Blogger Dean said...

Nematodes must come cheap as far as assasins go. You got 200 million of them for how much? Less than 50 bucks, I imagine.

You could never get 200 million ninjas for that price.

10:34 AM  
Blogger Tom Bodett said...

Do not, I repeat DO NOT dis my nematodes, Dean. I need their morale high right now. It's the whole Support Our Troops thing -- only smaller. Actually these little microscopic grub-o-paths do not come cheap. A hundred bucks will by you 50 million. Still cheaper than ninjas, yes, but will ninjas do lawns?

2:41 PM  
Blogger Dean said...

Sorry to bum out your nematodes. I didn't know they read blogs.

Now that you mention it, I don't think Ninjas do yardwork. If the nematodes don't work out, I'm afraid you'll have to call (and I ask your forgiveness in advance for this joke) the Lawn Ranger.

Now that that's out of the way, I've been wanting to ask you something.

I've long been an admirer of your work and as a fledgling writer myself, I wondered if you'd be willing to put up some blog posts about your insights into the craft of writing. Please?

5:05 PM  
Blogger Tom Bodett said...

Hmmm...the craft of writing...I'll have to think about that. Whether I know anything about it, that is.

7:07 PM  

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