Saturday, February 14, 2009
An Open Letter to the President
Dear President Obama,
As you no doubt know, my offer to now former Governor Blagojevich to accept the appointment to your old seat in the US Senate went unheeded. This was an error in the governor's judgement that I'm sure you would not want to emulate. Therefore, I am giving you the opportunity to name me to that vacancy in your cabinet you can't seem to fill to save your life. I would make a terrific Commerce Secretary. For one thing, there is little chance I will find myself in ideological opposition to your policies as Senator Gregg did. The very term "ideological" implies the presence of ideas and I can say with confidence there is none of that going on here. I also pay my taxes fully and on time and have done so for several years in a row.
Of course, taking a position in your administration would create a vacancy on the Selectboard of our little town in Vermont, which would have to be filled by appointment, and I suppose I would have to give up my office as a Justice of the Peace. None of this should affect the political tides in Vermont. This place is totally in the tank for you. Giving up the Justice of the Peace title will be a personal loss so I'm wondering if, when appointed, I could still bring the shotgun and badge and saddle coat to your cabinet meetings? It really is a terrific look on me and might help you in 2012 with the western vote.
In preparation for my new roll on your team I have spent the last several hours reviewing US trade policy. It has been enlightening. All this time it seems I have had NAFTA and Napster confused. It all makes much more sense now. I also notice we do an awful lot of trade with China. A mean, A LOT. They gotta be rolling in dough over there. Have you ever given any thought to borrowing some of it back?
As you see, I am a quick study. I mean there's not that much to me at all. Your vetting team should be done by lunch tomorrow and I can catch the Amtrak to DC on Monday. Let me know as soon as possible so that we can begin to manage expectations downward.
Your Devoted Servant,
Justice of the Peace