Sunday, December 14, 2008

Dear Governor Blagojevich,

You may not know me, but I am a fellow son of Illinois. I was born in Champaign-Urbana, one of the loveliest of the hyphenated mid-sized metro areas. Champaign-Urbanites are quite proud of their hyphen, as am I. My mother was born and raised in Kewanee, as I'm sure you know, the Hog Capital of Illinois. You may have attended or been tempted to attend their annual Hog Heaven celebration each summer. My father is from the Austin neighborhood of Chicago. His father and mother are buried there and remain active in local politics. I'm almost certain they voted for you.

My reason for telling you all of this is now that you have been abandoned by Candidate #1 (and 2 and 3 and 4 and 6) I would like to be the answer to your Senate appointment problems. I have a clean history -- politically speaking. While I have absolutely no governing skills or experience, certainly that presents no obstacle to office in the Land of Lincoln. I also would undoubtedly make a huge mess of things, so the good people of Illinois would not have to go through any troubling change. For you I could arrange for weekly shipments of cigarettes and smoked meats once you are in prison. I would also keep your portrait hanging in all state buildings. It is hilarious, and good for employee moral.

Illinois has served me (not exactly in the way you have been served) and I would like to contribute in-kind. Particularly to your needs. Certainly you must be feeling a lot of anger and resentment toward US Attorney Patrick Fitzgerald and the constitutional republic he represents. So, what better way to extract your revenge than to appoint a completely clueless rube to one of this republic's most distinguished deliberative bodies? It will make them crazy. I guarantee it. Awaiting your learned reply I remain,

Your Humble and Expedient Servant,

Tom Bodett

Proud Son of Illinois


Anonymous Joan-B said...

Hey Tom, we here in New York are also waiting to hear about our new senate appointee. Since recently suggested Caroline Kennedy Schlossberg has NO governing experience except that she's had close relatives who've been senators (and a president), I think the fact that you've actually served in local government in Vermont makes you waaaaaay more qualified. Senator Clinton never held office or lived in NY before being elected either, so why not come on board and solicit Governor Paterson about becoming our junior senator if the whole Illinois thing doesn't work out.

Great column.


4:27 PM  
Blogger Steph J said...

tom, i'm at U of I, and I'm kind of sad because, well.......

it's *Champaign*-Urbana

keep on rockin' the wait wait show


2:15 AM  
Blogger Tom Bodett said...

Steph J,

Thanks for the nudge. I've made the correction. All my life I've had this strange mental block to the spelling of Champaign. I also misspell the sparkling wine alternatively.


5:56 PM  

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